Random Thoughts and Update About Me
Some Random AF Thoughts
This post is really just going to be a jumble of my thoughts that have been floating around my head lately so if you get to the end, I would consider us best friends.
I haven’t posted in awhile, since the summer actually. I was on such a hot streak. I felt like I hit my stride as a trainer, blogger (lol), and was on track to making more of a mark in my career. As I continue to seek certainty within my personal and professional life, I realize that things will never be“comfortable” as things always change. I am always searching to “make it”. Make it in lifting, to make more money, to find the perfect guy, to find a homeostasis within my life that I am not sure exists.
Regardless, life happened and I had no motivation to write anymore and I have been experiencing what the fitness industry calls “burn out”. As in, my brain and body have been emotionally exhausted from the late night early morning life as a trainer and the constant idea of having to be “on ” ALL.THE.TIME. and always being a text message away from most people (I don’t just mean clients I mean EVERYONE). And if you don’t respond to them but post on IG all hell breaks loose (haha).
I feel as though I am trying to seek balance within my schedule as even become a full time job and I am always worried I am not working enough or I am letting someone down. I decided to stop writing and posting a lot on IG in hopes to gain back some sanity, did it work? Not really.
Honestly, instagram is THE SOURCE (don’t pretend like this isn’t true for you either) to a lot of my fucking issues with body image, comparison, work ethic and just feeling like you aren’t “doing enough” and that could even mean not traveling enough, or going outside enough or even eating enough fruits and veggies. Why is it like this? Even as much as I love powerlifting there is a big problem with body image issues that come with it like most sports (yes PL is a sport) and being a low enough weight while also maintaining strength, this is the sport and I get that but it’s just a thought and another thing to stress over on top of just feeling uncomfortable in your skin. Instagram perpetuates these thoughts as fitness is a big portion of Instagram and mainly what my feed is. Though I have tried to unfollow people that make me feel small. Honestly, this is a reflection of me and my thoughts it’s not THEM, to be clear.
I like to do this thing where I create lists of thoughts that circulate in my head and I use this powerful tool where I counteract those thoughts with positive stronger thoughts that I learned or a family or friend has told me. Because as humans we do this thing where we give life to a lot of fleeting anxiety/fear driven thoughts and this is my way to combat that:
Instagram IS NOT REAL LIFE.
EVERYONE struggles. Everyone feels bad about their bodies. No one is actually looking at yours with this imaginary fine tooth comb as you think they are.
Body image ebbs and flows. Sometimes you feel great and sometimes you feel like a bloated asshole. Whatever you are feeling, it’s not permanent.
No one actually knows what they are doing, like ever.
You absolutely can not please everyone. Being a people pleaser is worse than someone who is an outright nasty person, at least you know where you stand with these people..
Just because Instagram tells us we should be prettier, more active, more adventurous, smarter, read more, and carve out time for “self-care” (gosh, I hate that term) you don’t have to. Also, the targeted ads are designed to make you feel this way. Remember that.
Redirect a story you’ve been telling yourself about something that bothers you.
Anxiety comes in many forms. Like working more, avoiding people, drinking, not drinking, controlling any and all parts of your day.
You’ll never feel ready.
One day you’ll miss today. I do tend to reflect a lot on how lucky I am. Mostly I am healthy and so is my family. To me, that is all that really matters at the end of the day.
update about me:
On top of a few things January 2020 was neat. I broke my toe by dropping 250lbs on it in the middle of prepping for a meet and got really sick twice during this time. My daily movement has been at an all time low because walking too much hurts and my lifting has actually been going okay but have been struggling to feel good in the gym. It’s been a hit or miss. Shout out to Kevin Cann, Alyssa Orlando, and Beverly Gentile for making this happen for me. They know I have been struggling to find motivation and have made sure I’ve trained and hit the numbers I know I can hit, they’ve stayed late at night and come on sunday’s to the gym to support me. *Swoon*.