Anxious.
The year was 2013, it was my birthday and I woke up late (of course) for work as I rushed to take a group fitness class I didn’t want to do one bit. It was the middle of July and I was working as a new grad at a local racquet and swim club as a personal trainer. After months of trying to impress the people I worked with, I finally got a few employees that were fellow trainers to like me (ew, why did I care so much?). This was a gym where you had to HUSTLE to make money, everything was commission based and at first the trainers there didn’t like me. They thought I was trying to steal their clients which is a normal feeling to have in that type of a work environment. SO LAME. So after months of being as nice as I could to try to convince these weirdos I wasn’t trying to steal their clients, one of the trainers and I bonded and soon after she wanted me to try to a group cardio “kickboxing” class that she taught. Typically, I don’t like group fitness classes and I even told her this but she BEGGED me to do it. I wanted her to still like me after trying for so long to make friends, so I told her I would, very reluctantly.
I trained a few clients that morning and was DREADING doing this class, like so much. Even the night before I could barely sleep because the thought of doing this somewhat choreographed class seemed like hell to me. And for some reason I was SO anxious. The AC was broken at the gym as well and I knew that room was going to be so fucking HOT.
Fast forward a few hours and I’m in the class, I am somewhat in the front row because the trainer wanted me in the center to kinda poke fun at me, which was lighthearted I’m sure. We begin the class and honestly, I hated it right away. I felt stupid, and it was so hot and stuffy in room, I felt claustrophobic and panicky. All of a sudden, I start to feel weird like really fucking off and I notice that I felt as if the room spun a few times and I was so dizzy, I definitely thought I was going to faint. I ran out of the room. What’s going on? Why did I feel so sick and dizzy? Why was I going to faint? How embarrassing, I am suppose to be a trainer and I couldn’t handle the heat (literally and figuratively). I thought I was suppose to be in good shape.
I go upstairs and still didn’t quite understand what happened. I felt like I was going to pass out but not really? I was so confused and honestly FREAKING OUT. Mind you this week is actually in history for being one the hottest and longest heat waves Massachusetts has ever seen. So, I’m sure the heat played a big role. However, I was young and fit why would the heat bother me so much? The whole day I felt odd and I was so worried that something was really wrong. The day was drawing to an end and I was meeting my family for dinner for my 24th birthday at my favorite restaurant. I was still so worked up by what happened that morning, I was sitting at dinner and all of a sudden the same dizzy and feelings of faintness came on AGAIN. I had to go outside immediately and my dad brought me water. My dad is such a hardass, he thought I just was being a baby but I knew something was wrong and I just couldn’t handle it. I made my boyfriend take me home and I left my family including my Grandmas to enjoy dinner without me.
I sat in my room pacing for hours because I just couldn’t figure out why I felt so fucking off and like I was going to faint all day but not actually faint?? I took an anti-anxiety pill to chill out. I felt better. Almost instantly.
This day would shape the rest of my life until today. My days after were filled with constant fear and worry that this weird episode of almost fainting was going to happen again. I always say my body was in “aftershock” mode for a year trying to pick up the pieces as to why I felt so out of control that day. Hindsight, I had just graduated college, was at a few odd end jobs that I HATED, all my close friends had moved away, was depressed about moving home, missed my sister who had moved to California a year prior, I had a lot of things going against me that I couldn’t process at the time. So my body and mind rebelled.
I can’t tell you why this affected me so much. I wish I knew why the heat or the class or the fact i said yes to something I didn’t want to do completely changed my life and made me so afraid months following that I could barely drive down the street to get coffee. Leaving my house was a chore, seeing my friends took me all day to amp up for and even then, I would cancel because the thought of sitting in a restaurant or a bar would make me feel trapped and “what if I fainted?”. I was struggling with a dependence on a benzo and I didn’t workout AT ALL because I was too afraid to faint. The fear of having another panic attack consumed me fully.
Why would I continue to be a fucking trainer if I couldn’t even workout myself? I remember trying to do a few burpees one time and stopping because I just couldn’t handle the idea of raising my heart rate and feeling light headed. I would wake up having nightmares almost 3 times a week and I was sick, constantly. My immune system was so low from being stressed all the time.
I considered finding a new profession where I could clam up and sit behind a desk to deal with this and be alone in my thoughts. Even standing up for a long period of time to train someone would be a struggle because I felt so off all the time.
So what did I do? I wish I could tell you I had a magical solution however, I believe time healed me. I forced myself to find a new job. I forced myself to lift. I forced myself to PRETEND I was okay in situations I was terrified of. I read a lot about anxiety. I talked to my parents a lot about what was going on. I researched therapists and started seeing one. A few things stuck with me and I will share them.
You’re never as anxious or acting as weird as you think you are. Most times it’s literally in your head and people are so concerned with themselves they are unaware of how you are acting.
Admitting to friends or family that you’re anxious takes some of the pressure off. I used to hid the fact I was anxious making it literally 10x worse.
Fake it til you make it. I read an article once saying that this advice was bullshit. It kind of crushed me because it worked so well for me when my mother told me about it years ago. I would pretend I was fine. I would put on a show to get through hard things. Sometimes it worked and sometimes I would have to make an excuse and leave the social gathering I was in, abruptly. Everything is trial and error.
I would cut drinks and foods that had caffeine to lessen my anxious behaviors. Even chocolate.
I think I’ve come a long way through the years. I started powerlifting two years ago to prove to myself I could lift heavy without fainting and I push myself to a point I never ever thought I would. It’s not always easy and during my current training I still get those doubts that creep in. Since dealing with such a big bout of anxiety things don’t affect me as much because I feel like I have been equipped with tools to help me the next time this happens. And it will happen again. Instead of hating my anxiety so much, I tried to look at the lesson it taught me. I was much stronger than I thought I was. I knew there was a light at the end of this dark tunnel so I kept working towards it. I knew what it was like to be happy and carefree, so I held onto that as much as I could.
I will not say I am 100% better. I still have a few anxieties that I have yet to have a break through with. One is this driving anxiety I’ve been dealing with since I was 18. But that’s a story for another time.
I am so happy to see that anxiety and depression are finally coming to light within the fitness community. There is a lot of emphasis with exercise decreasing anxious thoughts and depression and a lot of well known fitness professional will tell their stories of mental health, which is a newer trend and something I appreciate so much. I thought I had to hid for years because fitness pros should be happy and healthy, right? When you find people (even if it’s online) who have dealt with similar anxieties you feel less alone and that’s the best feeling in the world.